SIDE – Mrs. Herlihy/Eddie

 

WOMAN’S VOICE

(offstage)

I know you’re in there Edward!

 

EDDIE

Oh…Mrs. Herlihy. It’s you.

 

MRS. HERLIHY

Sorry to disappoint you, Edward. Expecting a super model were you?

 

EDDIE

I wasn’t expecting anybody to tell you the truth. Is it rent time again already?

 

MRS. HERLIHY

Rent time? You’re four months behind. Sure, if your rent was a pregnancy it’d be time to be telling the families.

 

EDDIE

Well, I can write you a check, but—

 

MRS. HERLIHY

Oh, you may as well sign your name to a tennis ball, Edward. Either one would go bouncing down the road.

EDDIE

Well I—

 

MRS. HERLIHY

I’m not here about the rent. Mr. Herlihy sent me. He’s in bed again with a terrible case of the gout. And while I was at the market, he said he heard strange noises like screams down here.

 

EDDIE

(slurring a bit)

Oh, how is Mr. Herlihy?

MRS. HERLIHY

I’m just after telling you he’s stuck in the bed with the gout. How good could he be?

 

EDDIE

Oh, I uh…

 

 

 

MRS. HERLIHY

Now I’ve told you before, Edward, when he gets like this…ehh, immobile with the gout, the loud noises drive him looney because he can’t check them out, you see.

 

—Sweet Mary, Mother of God! Is that a gun?!

 

EDDIE

No. No!

 

(EDDIE grabs the gun and shoves it behind him in the waistband of his khakis.)

 

It’s a toy. It’s Riley’s toy gun.

 

 

MRS HERLIHY

That’s no toy, Edward.

 

EDDIE

Yes, it is.

 

MRS. HERLIHY

Have you forgotten my husband was a policeman for thirty years? Sure, we took the bullets away from him years ago, but he still cleans his gun—which looks exactly like that one by the way—twice a month and keeps it right beside him in the top drawer of his bedside table. I know the difference between a child’s toy and a real gun. And that’s a real gun.

 

 

EDDIE

It may look like your husband’s real gun, but I’m telling you it’s just a toy.

 

MRS. HERLIHY

If it’s just a toy, why don’t you want me anywhere near it?

 

EDDIE

Riley broke it earlier and it took me forever to fix it and now I don’t want you, or anybody else, anywhere near it because the glue is not fully dried.